whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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