What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
