cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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