My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize