Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
