thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
