Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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