im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
