Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
