Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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