I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
