You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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