Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
