Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
