guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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