i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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