tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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