Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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