Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
