I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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