sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
ttyl tear gas
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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