mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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