i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
