I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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