just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
