My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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