the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize