I think im going to throw up on grandma
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
