I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
