This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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