Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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