Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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