all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
