He uses pillows to masturbate.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize