The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
