Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
