This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
