she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
