I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
