Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
