I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
