my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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