I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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