I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
as a side note pls kill me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize