Someone shit on the floor
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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