im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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