I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
