There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
