Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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