my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
