You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
