sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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