just survived the first fart of the relationship.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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