I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
