There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
