She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
