Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
