Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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