where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
