i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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