I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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