Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
